Friday, August 16, 2013

My Television: Act 1

Television. I bet you don't notice how much it truly dominates our lives. Unless you are living in the wilderness like a Daniel Boone, a Davy Crockett or a Walt Whitman...Good ol' W.W. The most ruthless fucking man to have ever ridden across the great Arizona desert in a Pontiac Aztec.... Sorry. - Tangent. - I'll save the 'Breaking Bad' for another post. Now, back to the topic of today, Television. I want you to take notice of what I'm about to say here, after you READ THIS. We are a culture that thrives on television. We need it. AlwaysConstantly. It gets us through the day, It gets us through the night, It gets us through our boring and mundane existence (This part does not apply to you if you think your life is - "Fantastic!" - So congrats to you, You did it.) Now I may be exaggerating a bit for the sake of INCREDIBLE WRITING, but let me give you some examples of how this...television thing....really does impact our own lives, our social lives and the world in general. (There were no subliminal messages in this paragraph.)

I just realized I wrote that as if it were an introduction for a paper. I seriously started writing this like an essay. I sat down, I started typing and I wrote this like a college essay. - I started writing a blog in essay form. - Way to go, college, way to make me super uninteresting....

If you're gonna follow my blog here, let's start a relationship together as blogger and blogee. Think of me as a person you are having a conversation with who you're not allowed to talk to.

- Shit. -

 I just realized how hard it's going to be to imply sarcasm whilst typing. Half of everything I say is fucking sarcasm. While I'm at it, I'm sorry for saying fuck. If you are offended by cursing, you probably shouldn't read this blog. If you are a relative reading this blog....


This is straight up train of thought. I'm having a completely one-sided conversation with you. THIS IS SOME META ASS SHIT, GUYS! Abed Nadir would get it…

I look at it this way, if you don't like this than that's cool, it's not for you and I get that. I respect that, I respect you and your opinion and thank you for at least checking this out. If you like it, than shit. I hope I can keep you interested in what I have to say all the time. This will be the kind of blog where I will encourage dialogue. Interact with me. Tweet me. Facebook me. AOL Instant Message me….That was a joke. - Ain't nobody use AOL instant messenger anymore. What is this? The year 2000?! Aim I right guys?? AIM I right???…....



Back to the real topic. How TV affects our lives.

How much TV do you watch a day? Do you really know? Even if you think you don't watch that much TV and it's whatever to you. Do you realize how much it is in your life, anyway? 

If you're like me, then you're sick and you need help. Stop watching so much TV.  It's bad for you and you need to get a life. Right now. Go! Do it! Leave this page now and go learn how to fly a plane or some shit.

The need to keep current with all your favorite shows is a thing I think every one deals with, some are just more obsessive about it than others, like myself. At my last count I am currently current with 81 shows that are not cancelled as of today, August 16, 2013. Yes, it's disgusting and I hate myself. Henceforth(!) this blog. The thing is you start the necessary shows to be socially adept and then you keep adding more and more…and more until you've buried yourself into a never-ending pit of countless episodes that you will never be able to watch no matter how fucking hard you try. - If this is your life. Than I feel for you. I'm with you. We'll get there, buddy. We'll get there.…

I know there are just as many of you crazy fucks out there too, I just have to attract you to my fucking Twitter and Blog somehow. Marketing this shit. That's gonna' suck too. Fuck. Fuck this fucking blog, already. 

Ok, I'm good now. So yea. If you're not a freak like me, your life is still greatly impacted by television, anyway. Take girls for example. I'd say the average girl has at least 25-40 shows that they keep current with throughout the year. That's a good amount of shows that you go home to watch or DVR or whatever it is you do. It's your appointment television. You know, your: American Idol, SYTYCD, XFactor, The Voice, Dancing With the Stars, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Revenge, MTV shows, True Blood!, fucking Law & Order SVU and Criminal Minds….UMM, Every single show on ABC family, GREYS!!!!! YESSSS!!!!! That's you ladies. That's what you watch, ALL OF YOU! So, yea, you're addicted to television too, don't act like you're not.

[Aside] - I'm picturing hot ass girls reading this, in my head, and saying in a valley girl type voice all like, "Oh my God, I don't watch any TV, I work and go to school and take care of my body. And I eat all vegan because, like, kale is great for you and I hate anything with toxins, like, I will neverrrrr eattttt some poor little animal baby."

But in reality, that is definitely not the type who is reading this, if they even exist.

(They exist.)

Regardless, I do not watch any of these shows. So, I'm sorry women, no reviews on the latest shocking episode in which a crime is committed… and then…..that crime is solved. I know that is only in reference to the police procedural shows, but as you will learn, I fucking HATE police procedurals and most procedurals in general. If that's something we disagree on, don't worry, stick with me. I watch everything else you watch other than the above mentioned shows, and most reality shows. I didn't' mention Glee, 'cause, fuck you, I like Glee... 

....The music is really good sometimes....

The story is AWFUL though. Ok no more talk of Glee. Ever.

Anyway, I'm sorry for attacking you like that girls. That wasn't right of me. Your shows are just as important as everybody else's. They're just bad.

 Sorry! PLEASE KEEP READING. I'm desperate.

My point is, the average girl watches at least 20, quote, unquote, girl shows and probably another 10-15 shows that both guys and girls watch. That's a lot of TV, ladies.

And guys. Even if you're only current with the important shows you need to be current with so you can participate in conversations when you are anywhereever…TV still dominates your life.. Sports. You watch just as much sports as I do shows and sports. And I watch a lot of sports too. You guys have the addiction too. We all have it. And men, think about the televisions that we buy. Whoever has the biggest TV now has the biggest dick. That's the way it goes down in 2013, boys!

Experiment - Next time you're talking to your best friend, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, a coworker. I want you to start a conversation about something really important and then take that conversation into a room with a television turned on. I bet you that no matter how involved in that conversation you are, you BOTH are going to continue having that conversation while full on watching the TV, or at the very least keep glancing at it. Your eyes are automatically drawn to whatever is on. No matter what you are doing, if the TV is on, you will inevitably watch it while you're doing whatever it is you're doing. Try it. Try it with anything. It's science.*

But seriously, that is just an example of how it controls you without you even being aware that it does. Just like most people are not aware of how many shows they actually keep up with. Not only are you just physically drawn to a TV, you are socially addicted to it as well. Think about when you are at a bar. You're chilling with your friends and you're bullshitting about whatever, you know, you're shooting the shit, as they say. At some point television will come up. Without classifying sports as TV for this example, because, if guys are talking to each other it's about sports like 90% of the time. The other 10% being comprised of complaining about being single or complaining about your girlfriend. And creeping on girls. Actually, creeping on girls might be just as much as sports. I'm guilty of it and I'm not ashamed of it. MEN! - Sorry ladies, I don't know why I'm being so chauvinistic, I'll stop now. This blog is for all genders. LOVE ME!

[Post Note: After reading this when I was done writing, I realized I went on such a tangent here that I never finished the point I was trying to make in this paragraph. I'm going to leave it this way, 'cause I think that's funny.]

God, I hope my jokes and sarcasm are coming off as jokes and sarcasm, or this is going to be the worst fucking thing ever. 

Honestly, I really wish there was a proper way to write sarcasm. Like when you're in middle school and your Reading and Writing teacher is like "OK, Children! Let's learn how to write the following sentence in Proper Sarcasm…. "I totally enjoy this blog. It's so great!"

I'm tired of writing and this blog has gone on for far too long. If you're still reading, Awesome, that's pretty cool of you. This first blog was basically me just introducing myself to you, my reader. My future posts will not be as self-obsessed. They will be on topic and content heavy, unlike this. And like I said, interact with me. My twitter will basically be a micro-blog of this. So keep up with it, and I'll try my best to keep you guys entertained throughout the day and keep you up to date with some cool news, funny videos and thoughts on most of the shows and movies you watch.  I have a real life job though, and I'm extremely busy while I'm there. So minimal posts before 6PM, cause I need my job to, you know, live...

Welp, I hope you enjoyed it. I know I probably didn't accomplish any of what I said I was going to talk about.
 [Post Note: This is true]

I'm not sure what my next blog will be about. I guess we'll see what I want to talk about the next time I sit down to write. But do expect most entries to be episode and movie reviews. I'll try and do a blog, like this, every week or so though.

Also, sorry for the sub-par design quality - I'll work on that.

Also, I lied. I proof read this shit.

[Post Note: After hearing some feminine reactions to this, I apologize. My intention was not to stereotype you or categorize all of you together, I was merely trying to be humorous at the large percentage of women that make those shows the successes that they are...Hey, maybe that's what I'll write about next time...So again, I am sorry ladies, this post was meant to come off completely humorous and not at all sexist or offensive.]

*It's not science.


  1. Your next blog should be...the Kickass 2 review.

  2. I would love to see the list of all the shows you are current on, Ranked.

  3. Tommy L - It's coming! Stay tuned.